


I'm Proud Of The Fact That I'm Worse Than I Seem

by Krit



Series: Fuck It, This Is Love [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Disney References, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jace Wayland Plays the Piano, Lightwood Family, M/M, Polyamory, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21775072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krit/pseuds/Krit
Summary: Jace has ups and downs.Bad memories and good.Movies and music and the people who love him.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland
Series: Fuck It, This Is Love [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522517
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

_And I am walking out in the rain  
And I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again  
And I am getting nowhere with you  
And I can't let it go  
And I can't get through_

_And both hands  
Please use both hands  
Oh, no don't close your eyes  
I am writing graffiti on your body I am drawing the story of  
How hard we tried  
Hard we tried_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

His fingers danced over the keys, each one bringing together a beautiful melody. 

Until he stumbled. One finger landed on the wrong key. The sound was off. His father sighed. Disappointed. Jace could feel the tears well up in his eyes. The whimper caught in his throat. Head down, he held out his hand. He couldn’t help crying out in pain as he felt the offending finger snap. Of course, that earned him a slap to the face. The tears fell, but he didn’t make another sound. His father let him sit with the pain for a moment before drawing an iratze rune on his hand. 

“From the beginning.”

Jace took a deep breath and started over. 

~*~

Jace stood under the glaring yellow of the bathroom light. The man in the mirror looked back at him. 

_“So pretty. My beautiful boy.”_

_“So pretty when you cry.”_

_“Soldiers don’t cry.”_

_“So pretty for me.”_

_“Be good for me.”_

_“Be strong for me.”_

_“Cry for me.”_

Jace heard the shattering glass before he even noticed the pain in his hand. And even when he noticed it, it wasn’t quite there. Like an echo or a memory. Like his body was trying to tell him he was hurt, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. 

There was less blood than the last time he did this. 

The bathroom door opened, and he could see shades of orange in the broken fragments of the mirror. His hair and hers reflected in pieces like a mosaic of a sunset. He should tell her that. She could paint a landscape with the colors of their hair and eyes. Make something beautiful out of the broken pieces of the children of a monster. 

But when is a monster not a monster? Clary never knew Valentine. She never loved him. She was free to hate him however she wanted. He could be a monster for her. 

She didn’t say anything at first. Just stood in the doorway and let him know she was there. She didn’t come closer. Didn’t try to touch him. She was learning. 

“Sorry I woke you.” He whispered, his voice cracked and weak. 

“I don’t mind.” She answered softly. “It’s almost dawn. Do you wanna go back to bed, or just start the day now?”

He took a few slow breaths and activated his healing rune. 

“Might as well stay up. You?”

She shrugged. “I’m up.”

He turned to face her, forcing himself not to look down. “Can I do your makeup?” Izzy taught him when they were teenagers. It helped him steady his hands and clear his mind. Made him feel useful. It was also a nice excuse to just sit and be with someone. 

Clary’s smile was soft, but held no pity. “Sure. Your wings always come out sharper than mine, anyway.”

She let him come to her. Their kiss was quick and gentle. A ‘good morning’. An ‘I love you’. 

~*~

Clary stared at Jace’s hand as Alec went off on a tangent about some Clave representative or another who was giving him grief. Jace was tapping his fingers along the edge of the table. Every so often he would rub them across the surface quickly, and then resume. There were patterns, but she couldn’t figure out what they were. Simon did that sometimes too. But she had always chalked it up to stimming. And Jace’s preferred method was playing with his stele. Clary continued to stare, determined to figure out what he was doing. 

“He’s composing.” She heard Izzy murmur next to her. She snapped her head up and raised an eyebrow at her parabatai. “He’s composing.” She said again. “Music. He’s basically playing air piano. Tapping where the keys would be, and imagining the music in his head. Simon does it sometimes too.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen, I just never wondered what it was before now. I guess I kinda do that too. Trace out imaginary drawings with my finger if I don’t have any supplies around.” She shrugged. “I guess I also didn’t know he wrote his own music. I mean, I knew he played, but...”

“He doesn’t play his own stuff for people much. At all. Ever. I’ve heard two and a half songs. But they were good.”

“Not a single one of you are listening to me, are you?” Alec sighed. 

“I am!”

“Thank you Simon.”

“I regret it, though.”

“Fuck you Simon.”

~*~

Clary had grown used to a lot of things since joining the shadow world. Not the least of which being the bickering banter Of the Lightwood siblings. There was something about their personalities, that when all three of them got going, it became a perfect storm of snark, subtle insults, less subtle insults, strangely touching endearments, and obscure inside jokes which seemed to usually be insults. The sarcasm was palpable, and she worried for the strain on their optic nerves from how frequently and intensely they rolled their eyes. And then there were the hand gestures and other elaborate movements as whatever the conversation was got more heated. It was like watching an intricate show. Clary had no idea how to quantify it, but it was always riveting.

“And why should you get it?” Jace goaded. Clary has completely forgotten whatever the hell it was they were squabbling about. Izzy’s face took on a delighted sly grin.

“Because I’m a lady, that’s why!” She announced proudly. Alec barked out a laugh.

“You’re not a lady!” He responded, his grin matching hers.

“You’re nothin but a sister!” Jace drawled as the three of them dissolved into a moment of pure giggles before taking up the conversation again.

“Wait...” Clary said to herself. She had heard that before. Were they quoting something? She found that there was no rhyme or reason to any individual Shadowhunter’s knowledge of pop culture.

~

A few weeks after that, they were training. Alec and Clary, Izzy and Jace. Jace was growing bored, and when he was bored, he got obnoxious. He had taken to periodically bopping Izzy lightly on the top of the head with his staff at every opportunity.

“Mama! He did it again!” She called out, standing up straight. Which confused Clary on a couple levels. The first being that Maryse wasn’t even in the building. The second, that her voice had a weird lilt to it.

“Tattletale.” Jace grumbled, smirking as he stuck out his tongue.

Alec was chuckling quietly to himself as Clary just stared in confusion.

~

“I’ll let Maia know, but you should probably mention it to Mr O’Malley when you see him later.”

“Agreed. I’m sure he’ll approve.”

Clary blinked at Alec and Jace for a moment before turning to Izzy. “Who the hell is Mr O’Malley?” She finally asked.

“Luke.” Izzy responded like she was stating the obvious.

“... _Huh?!_ ”

“It’s a thing. Don’t worry about it.” Alec brushed off before continuing with the meeting.

~

“We’re going for professionalism and civil diplomacy. So maybe try not to start a massive brawl this time.”

Izzy crossed her arms and puffed out her chest. “Ladies do not start fights,” she stated primly before turning her head to glare at Alec. “But they can finish them!”

“Fucking Aristocats!” Clary shouted, loud enough that several of the gathered soldiers jumped. “That’s what you’ve been quoting! It’s the motherfucking Aristocats!” She panted slightly, her face open in triumph at having finally figured it out. “Seriously?!”

Jace shrugged. “We pretty much quote most Disney movies all the time, babe.”

“Also Don Bluth.” Alec interjected.

“Also Don Bluth.” Jace agreed, pointing at Alec while still looking at Clary. “Aristocats is just our favorite as a group.”

“Because the three of you are the three kittens?” Clary asked weakly.

“Because the three of us are the three kittens.” Jace confirmed.

“And your mother is the mom cat, so Luke is Mr O’Malley....” She laughed almost a little manically. “So who are me and Simon?”

“Remember the dumb dogs who thought they _weren’t_ completely incompetent?” Alec asked before Izzy smacked him hard in the chest.

“Oh god, we’re the old couple, aren’t we?”

Jace considered her for a moment, grinning. “You know, that kinda fits.”

“... I want a feather boa.”

~

“Hey, if Aristocats is your favorite movie as a group, what are your favorites individually?”

The resulting cacophony of squabbling had Clary slipping out of the room after five minutes.

~*~

Jace tugged at the lid over the keys to no avail. Locked. He made a grumbled noise of displeasure and made his way over to the bar. “Do you have the key for that thing?”

Maia raised an eyebrow, and looked over at the battered old piano in the corner, and then back at the scowling shadowhunter in front of her. “Do you know how to _play_ that thing?”

“Would I be asking if I didn’t?”

“We keep it locked because drunk assholes like to be obnoxious.”

Jace sighed. “Yes. I know how to play. May I?”

Maia smiled and tilted her head, thinking. “Yeah, sure, why not?” She grabbed the key from under the register and unlocked the lid. “Have at it. What do Shadowhunters play, anyway? Gospel hymns?”

“How do you feel about Beethoven?”

“Can you play Fur Elise?”

Jace looked at her like she had just asked him if he could recite the alphabet. “Yeah.” He said simply, staring at her incredulously for another moment before sitting down and beginning to play. 

~*~

Multiple things happened in rapid succession. A cat darted out into the street. Simon slammed on the breaks. Jace shot his hands out and slammed them into the dashboard to keep his face from doing it instead, because despite Simon’s insistence, he was not in fact wearing his seatbelt. He was also very aware of the noises behind them, announcing that several of the items in the back of the van had tumbled over. 

“Fuuuuuuck!” Simon exhaled. “I’m gonna make sure I didn’t hit him. Can you check on my equipment?”

Jace nodded and inspected the cargo, rearranging it all to its previous position. When Simon returned, he opened the side door and looked around. 

“Everything okay?” He asked, fearing the worst. 

“You need a new keyboard.” Jace grumbled. 

“Oh fuck. What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s a _Yamaha_!” Jace spat, derisively. 

“So?”

“So. It’s a testament to your talent that you’re able to make good music with that piece of garbage. Imagine what you could do with a real instrument.” He kept focused on what he was doing, so he didn’t have to see Simon’s reaction to the backhanded complement. 

“It’s fine. Like you said, I can make it good. I can’t be wasting money on a fancy new piano when that one works fine.”

Jace let out a small growl. “When is Hanukkah?” He asked casually. 

“December. Why?”

“When’s your birthday?”

“February. Why?”

“Hanukkah, then.” Jace mused to himself. 

~*~

Jace lay on his bed, curled up in the fetal position with his back to the door. 

“Go away.” His voice had no bite to it. He just sounded tired. “I ruin everything. Everyone’s life is fucked up because of me. You’d all be better off...”

Simon climbed up on the bed and sat behind him. “What about me? You haven’t ruined my life. You made it better.”

Jace huffed and curled further into himself, turning his face into the pillow. “Yeah. Being a vampire has been a major improvement for you.”

“That wasn’t your fault, it was mine. You... you saved me. Remember? Valentine slit my throat, and you gave me your blood. And that’s not all you gave me. You gave me back the sun, Jace. You gave me back my life.” 

Simon smiled and leaned over him, wrapping an arm around and grabbing his wrist gently. Holding him close, he pressed his lips to Jace’s ear and sang quietly. 

“ _The other night dear, as I lay sleeping._

_I dreamed I held you in my arms._

_But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken._

_So I hung my head and I cried._

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine._

_You make me happy when skies are gray._

_You'll never know dear, how much I love you._

_Please don't take my sunshine away._ ”

Simon kissed his cheek and Jace let him take his hand. “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” Simon whispered. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_We get a little further from perfection  
Each year on the road  
I guess that's what they call character  
I guess that's just the way it goes_

_Better to be dusty than polished  
Like some store window mannequin  
Won’t you touch me where I'm rusty  
Let me stain your hands_

_When you're pretty as a picture  
They pound down your door  
But I've been offered love  
In two dimensions before_

_And I know that it's not all  
It's made out to be  
Let's show them all how it's done  
Let's do it all imperfectly_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot I was going to include the answer to Clary’s question.
> 
> This is a list of Jace, Alec, and Izzy’s favorite children’s movies.

**Jace :**

Hunchback of Notre Dame  
Hercules   
Lilo and Stitch  
Tangled  
Secret of NIMH  
Rescuers 1&2

~*~*~*~

**Alec :**

Land Before Time  
Lion King  
Mulan   
Brave  
Beauty and the Beast  
Frozen

~*~*~*~  
  


**Izzy :**

Aladdin  
The Last Unicorn  
The Little Mermaid   
How to Train Your Dragon  
Pocahontas   
Fern Gully

~*~*~*

  
**As a Group :**

Aristocats   
Feivel 1&2  
The Great Mouse Detective  
Swan Princess  
Rise of the Guardians

**Author's Note:**

> Want to be part of a new Shadowhunters rare pairs Discord server?  
> 18+ ONLY
> 
> [Click Here to Join!](https://discord.gg/fw8jqsA)
> 
> Comments welcome! I’m not looking for advice/concrit, but I would love to know what you think!
> 
> You can find me here :
> 
> [ShadowhuntersNonsense](http://ShadowhuntersNonsense.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And here :
> 
> [OnyxMoonStone](http://OnyxMoonStone.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If you're not comfortable leaving a public comment on any of my stuff for any reason, feel free to DM me on tumblr or discord!


End file.
